Check out this short meditation to remind you of the essential qualities of conscious co-creation.
We have been looking at the transformative effects that are possible for you as you begin to practice and master conscious co-creation. In recent posts we have looked at how Rita transformed her relationship with her own creative source, which has given her more energy and vitality, as well as a deeper connection with her own faith. In a second post we looked at how Rita has shifted her experience of being disconnected from her life to a more consciously co-creative role in intending a rewarding future for herself. In our most recent post we looked at how Rita was transforming her experience of the history she has with her ex-husband, Eric, and creating a space for a new love relationship to enter her life.
In this fourth part of this series we are going to look at how conscious co-creation is transforming Rita’s relationships with her three children. When Rita first learned of Eric’s affair she was furious. The first weeks after this discovery, Rita was unable to control her bitterness and anger, and there was a negative impact on her children.
Rita’s fury caused Eric to leave his home with Rita and the children, and to move into Jennifer’s home. Rita’s anger effectively shutdown any possibility of a reconciliation, or even an amicable parting. Her absolute rejection of Eric’s choices pushed him into filing for a divorce much sooner than he might have done otherwise. Rita was so uncompromising that Eric had to get a court order to allow him to spend time with his children.
Meanwhile, Rita’s bitterness and unhappiness was a very disruptive influence in her household. The children were confused and upset, and their sense of security had been undermined by Rita’s behavior. Instead of finding comfort from their mother during this time of upheaval, the children became fearful of becoming a target for their mother’s rage.
Rita, sensing the fear in her children, blamed Eric for ruining their family life, and the destructive cycle continued to wreak havoc for all concerned for the better part of 2 years. This was when Rita finally reached out to me for assistance.
This is why I want to invite you to download my 5 Keys to Conscious Co-creation checklist. This power checklist enables you to become a master a co-creating the life of your dreams.
Key #1 is the ultimate stress reducer: eliminate exhaustion and overwhelm. The key was vital to Rita finding inner calm that was necessary for her to accurately access the situation and determine what she wanted to co-create for the future.
Key #2 makes change smooth and effortless. Once Rita felt herself firmly grounded in the sense of the future she was building for herself and her family she noticed that more empowered choices were showing up for her.
Key #3 causes anxiety to dissolve in mere seconds, allowing you to rest in the peace that passes all understanding. As Rita began to make changes there were many opportunities for her to fall back into old habits of seeing and reacting. From this peace within, Rita was able to continue to be a stand for the life she so desperately wanted for herself and her kids.
Key #4 reconnects you to your passion for living. When Rita would become discouraged it was her connection to the passion of her vision for a happier and more secure future for herself and her children that kept her going.
Key #5 opens the door to the experience of beauty, and why you are desperate for it. Once Rita had tuned into the beauty of the vision of her future, that beauty became a powerful ally for her in finding the strength and courage to make new choices.
Download the checklist here: http://bit.ly/1pmVWuC
Rita’s oldest son, Jack, was having behavior problems at school. He was angry, and took any opportunity to fight with other children, or disrupt the classroom at school. Rita’s daughter, Bethany, had become silent and withdrawn. Hunter, the youngest, was having nightmares, and had taken to sucking his thumb.
Rita realized that her relationships with her children were in serious need of repair. She and I spent time envisioning a brighter future for them all, both individually and as a family. Rita saw that it would be impossible for her children to have the stability and security they needed until Rita and Eric had made peace between themselves. Rita also knew that she would have to embrace Jennifer as a valid member of the family.
As Rita was able to own responsibility for her part in the dissolution of the marriage, she was able to forgive herself and Eric for the circumstances that had occurred. Rather than seeing the loss of the marriage as destructive, Rita opened to the possibility that the current situation could be an expression of growth and evolution for all parties. Regret was not a useful emotion to spend time with. What occurred in the past did not have to be the governing factor in her future.
Rita realized that she wanted happy and secure children. With that future in mind she asked for a meeting with Eric and Jennifer. Rita began the meeting with a sincere apology. She took responsibility for the anger and bitterness that had colored her actions in the past. She shared her desire to have an empowered relationship with Eric and Jennifer, and to work together with them to create a safe and secure environment for their children.
While it may take some time for all parties to leave the past in the past, a new foundation had been formed to co-create a future that would give the children the support they needed to flourish. At last, Rita and Eric are aligned in creating fun experiences with the children, and the children are responding well to this new development.
Jack is enrolled in a martial arts school, and is finding positive avenues for his aggressive feelings to be expressed. Bethany began piano lessons, and was finding that she had a real gift for playing music. Hunter has found a new sense of purpose and contribution in cooking with Rita. They have together time every evening as they prepare the evening meal.
Rita has been able to access a new vision for her life and her future. This vision has been the key to accessing new possibilities and giving Rita the strength she needs to make new choices. Change is challenging for human beings. As we shift our identities into the role of conscious co-creators each challenge can be seen as an opening for new possibilities to emerge. This is the true meaning of the word “empowerment.”
Today we will look again at Rita’s transformation. Yesterday we examined Rita’s shift into reconnecting with her dreams for the future. She disconnected from them over the years, especially when she discovered her husband’s infidelity, and the subsequently through the divorce process. Adjusting to being a single parent had consumed Rita’s available energy until just recently.
Rita had come to consult with me when she could see that her anger and resentment about her situation was negatively impacting her relationship with her children. Now that Rita had begun the hard work of reclaiming responsibility for her life, and letting go of the victim story she had been telling herself, it was time to re-examine the past.
Rita and I did this together. We began by setting aside the choices made by Eric, Rita’s former husband. There is no empowerment to be found by trying to change other people. The only source of power for anyone exists in the power to shift one’s perspective and make new choices in the present moment.
As Rita became interested in letting go of the victim story she had been telling herself about the circumstances surrounding his husband’s choice to begin an affair with his secretary, Rita decided she was willing to look at how her choices impacted those circumstances.
Eric and Rita had been married for 11 years. Their first child was born in their third year of marriage. It had taken quite a bit of time for Rita to become pregnant, and both Eric and Rita were thrilled when the pregnancy test was positive.
They shared the experience of the pregnancy day by day. They planned and created the nursery, with Eric doing a lot of the carpentry and construction, while Rita sewed curtains and knitted baby blankets. Eric attended all the doctor appointments, and they took a birthing class together, eagerly practicing for the big event.
Their partnership made them feel strong in their relationship. They had never been closer. The birth itself was difficult, and in the end, Rita was required to have a C-section due to fetal distress. Rita felt like a failure in her inability to deliver the child herself. But she pushed these feelings aside and did her best to celebrate Jack’s birth with her husband.
Having a baby changed Rita and Eric’s lifestyle tremendously. While both of them had wanted a baby, the loss of the free and relatively simple lifestyle they had previously enjoyed was more difficult than either had imagined. Both Rita and Eric had to sacrifice freedoms and pleasures to parent Jack.
They were still in this adjustment period when they received a big surprise. Not 4 months after Jack was born, Rita discovered she was again pregnant. After having waiting over 2 years to get pregnant the first time, neither Rita not Jack had anticipated that Rita could possibly become pregnant again so soon after Jack’s birth.
As Rita struggled with caring for an infant, going back to work, and now experiencing a second pregnancy, more household work fell to Eric. Rita was simply unable to do all the chores that she had previously been willing and able to do. This cut into Eric’s free time, and he resented it, even though he understood that Rita had to have his assistance.
Bethany was also delivered via C-Section, and Rita had some definite challenges during the recovery period. An infection formed in the incision and further surgery was required. It took a long time for Rita to regain her strength. And about this time a third pregnancy surprised the couple. Hunter was born eight months later.
Now Rita and Eric had three children all under 5 years old, and it was difficult. They both worked full time to make financial ends meet, and while they still loved each other, the endless grind of working all day and caring for their home and family at night and on weekends took its toll.
Slowly Rita and Eric fell into a rut. Gradually Eric worked longer hours trying to get ahead in his career. While he didn’t admit it to himself, Eric preferred his duties at work to doing chores at home. When Rita was unable to pick up the slack, their home became untidy, and the chores stacked up. Rita became overwhelmed and angry, and this caused Eric to work later in an attempt to avoid arguments with her.
During their 9th year of marriage, Jack’s secretary left unexpectedly, and Eric hired a new one. Rita was too busy to pay much attention. In fact, Rita was not paying much attention to Eric at all. Their sex life was at an all time low. Rita fell into bed exhausted at night, and Eric was not willing to try to wake her up to make love, and face what would often be rejection.
To compensate, Eric began to work out at a local gym to try to burn off some of his sexual energy, and began playing golf on the weekends. Gradually Rita and Eric began to live very separate lives. Their marriage was in jeopardy, but neither of them thought about it enough to recognize this, much less do anything about it.
Eric’s new secretary, Jennifer, worked hard to be useful to Eric, and over time Eric noticed her efforts. Gradually he gave her more responsibility and she proved herself both capable and responsible. Jennifer made Eric’s life easier and she never made any demands on him. She was always smiling and supportive, and she was interested in their work in a way that Rita never was anymore.
And while no one intended for it to happen, Jennifer and Eric began to have feelings for one another that went beyond their professional relationship. They began to go out for happy hour after work once in a while. Then, after a particularly successful day, when their hard work together had won them a lucrative new client, happy hour extended into a dinner celebration. And when Eric walked Jennifer to her car after dinner, they kissed.
Red-faced with shame, Eric pulled away from Jennifer and apologized profusely. He promised Jennifer that would never happen again, and went home to Rita. But as fate would have it, as much as the day had been wonderful for Eric, it had been horrible for Rita. When Eric got home Rita attacked him for getting home late, and they had a terrible argument. Eric slept on the couch that night.
The next morning Eric and Rita did not speak to each other, both going their separate ways to their jobs. Rita went back to her job to face the difficulties that she was so upset about the previous day. Eric went back to work and there was a smiling Jennifer.
Looking back, Rita could see very clearly that she and Eric had been headed for trouble long before Jennifer entered the situation. She and Eric had done their best to cope with the mounting pressures of parenting 3 small children and trying to maintain a 2-career family, but they had underestimated the impact all these competing demands would make on their limited resources.
While Rita was still bitterly disappointed that Eric had ultimately chosen Jennifer over his marriage, Rita had to admit that it wasn’t difficult to understand how it had happened. At all the decision points where choices were made Rita had consistently chosen the needs of the children over Eric’s needs. And while she had not intended for it to happen, often work demands took precedence over Eric’s needs too.
In time Rita recognized that while Eric was far from blameless in what happened, Rita recognized that she unconsciously had given Eric clear messages that he was not important to her. Rita knew she had a bad temper, and that it took her a long time to get over being angry. So conflicts with Eric festered longer than they might have had Rita been more willing to let go of being upset.
As we discussed the 5 Keys to Conscious Co-Creation Rita could see that unconsciously she had created a situation where her husband felt unloved and unappreciated. She saw that she had inadvertently pushed him into another woman’s arms. Without absolving Eric of the responsibility for his choices Rita was able to see that she had contributed to the destruction of the marriage as well.
That is why I want to invite you to download my 5 Keys to Conscious Co-Creation Checklist. Learning to integrate the 5 keys to conscious co-creation enables you to become a master a co-creating the life of your dreams. The check list gives you a way to stay on top of what you are co-creating with your choices so that you can choose to create the life you want to life.
Key #1 is the ultimate stress reducer: eliminate exhaustion and overwhelm. Just ask Rita: it is impossible to have the life of your dreams when you live in a state of fatigue and hopeless confusion.
Key #2 makes change smooth and effortless. Rita and Eric both fell prey to choices that undermined their marriage, and neither of them had any sort of warning system to let them know when they began to move apart.
Key #3 causes anxiety to dissolve in mere seconds, allowing you to rest in the peace that passes all understanding. Rita discovered that she could finally come to terms with her status as a single parent, and focus on how to enjoy each day with her children to the fullest extent possible.
Key #4 reconnects you to your passion for living. Rita was overjoyed to reconnect with her dreams and feel that now she had real reasons to expect that her dreams could be realized.
Key #5 opens the door to the experience of beauty, and why you are desperate for it. Rita found that the bitterness and heartache she kept as her constant companions destroyed her ability to enjoy her life. When she began to consciously shift her perspective and see a bigger picture new options emerged which made the beauty surrounding her more clear and apparent.
Don’t let what happened to Rita happen to you. Begin to focus on developing the skills to live a consciously co-creative life. Be conscious of the choices that support the life you want to live, and which choices are undermining that life.
Download the checklist here:
Today we are going to look at a second way Rita used conscious co-creation to make her life better and more enjoyable. Rita has 3 children, and they mean the world to her. Rita’s experience of mothering is a source of tremendous joy and satisfaction.
But because of her children Rita was tied to her ex-husband, and this was major cause of unhappiness. Rita’s ex-husband, Eric, had cheated on
her with his secretary. When Rita discovered the affair, Eric had asked Rita for a divorce and married his secretary.
Though she had been divorced 2 years ago, Rita had made no progress in resolving her feelings about Eric, his betrayal and their subsequent divorce. She told me, “I hate Eric, I hate his new wife, and I hate parenting my children as a single mother. This is all so wrong!”
“I can’t forgive his betrayal. He had promised to be my partner until death do us part, and I was counting on him, and trusting him. I gave him 3 children and then he treats me this way!” Rita wailed.
Of course it is extremely painful to have one’s trust violated, vows broken, and plans for a life together smashed into a million pieces. But Rita had a choice to make. What kind of future did she want to co-create? And how could she resolve feelings about what happened in the past?
Rita and I focused first on what she wanted to co-create in the future for herself and her children. My question to Rita was “What are your needs? What are your desires just for yourself? And for this moment, leave your children’s needs out of the picture.”
Rita’s homework from our time together was to open to her inner self each day and pose these questions, remaining open and receptive to the answers that might arise within. Allowing the question to be new each day, and not demanding any consistency from her inner self, but rather allowing new answers to emerge if they did.
At our next meeting Rita had a new lightness about her. Some of the heaviness she had been carrying was gone. I asked her what insights and discoveries she had made. “There is so much I want to do with my life,” Rita said. “I discovered I still have dreams and hopes inside me. I want to advance my career, and I want to learn how to water ski, and I even got very clear that I want to love again,” Rita told me.
“I see now I was really stuck in the past. I hate what happened, but it is done, and I want to focus on co-creating a new life for myself” Rita declared. So Rita and I began the work of examining her beliefs systems to see how her dreams might be born through her actions.
Rita told me, “I need a certification at work before I can receive my next promotion, and this week I asked my boss about getting some tuition reimbursement so that I can go after that certification. My boss said ‘yes’! I am so excited. Before I just felt stuck. I never looked into the certification requirements. I just figured it was out of my reach. I felt helpless, and I didn’t do anything about it.”
Rita continued, “I recognized that this feeling of helplessness was a major barrier for me. As soon as I start feeling frustrated I slip into this feeling of helplessness, and I give up.”
Rita and I discussed this identity of being a victim, and how she had been unconsciously co-creating it. After some work, Rita recognized that this feeling of victimization had been unconsciously taught to her by her mother.
This habitual way of responding to frustration by giving up and accepting a victim identity was serving as a glass ceiling in Rita’s life. She was not going to able to work toward her dreams with that pattern dominating her choices. And while it is a constant challenge for Rita to stay conscious of this pattern, she is building the skill to notice when she is feeling frustrated.
Once she identifies feelings of frustration Rita knows that the feeling of helplessness is likely to be right behind it. But now rather than give in to frustration or helplessness, Rita has a new choice in her toolbox. Rita can choose to be curious about the circumstances and look to see what options might be present that she hasn’t noticed yet.
This simple shift has made a huge difference in Rita’s life. This is what led to her asking her boss for tuition reimbursement to assist her to get the certification she needs to advance her career. This is radical shift from the Rita of the past who simply would have accepted the feelings of helplessness and frustration.
That is why I want to invite you to download my 5 Keys to Conscious Co-Creation Checklist. Learning to integrate the 5 keys to conscious co-creation enables you to become a master a co-creating the life of your dreams.
Key #1 is the ultimate stress reducer: eliminate exhaustion and overwhelm. Just ask Rita: life is much more enjoyable when you feel vital and productive.
Key #2 makes change smooth and effortless, which is what Rita needed in order to let go of the past.
Key #3 causes anxiety to dissolve in mere seconds, allowing you to rest in the peace that passes all understanding. Rita found that using this key made her feel much more grounded and calm.
Key #4 reconnects you to your passion for living. Rita was overjoyed to reconnect with her dreams and feel that now she had real reasons to expect that her dreams could be realized.
Key #5 opens the door to the experience of beauty, and why you are desperate for it. Rita found that connecting to the beauty surrounding her changed her perception of life considerably.
Download the checklist here:
We will continue to explore Rita’s transformation in future posts, so check back for the next installment about Rita.
I recently worked with a client I’ll call Rita. The work we did together helps to answer this question and explain why this conscious co-creation is a critical skill for Awakening Women to develop.
Rita considered herself to be a normal person. She was divorced, and a single mother to 3 children: Jack, Bethany and Hunter. She worked hard as a middle-manager for a local company. She came to me complaining of exhaustion and burn-out. But simultaneously, Rita was hearing this call to “something more.”
“I just know there is something ‘more’ out there for me. I just don’t know what it is, or how to find it,” she told me during our first consultation.
I asked her to tell more about her life.
“I am exhausted all the time. I drag myself around from home to work to the grocery or after-school events for the kids, make dinner, help with homework and fall into bed. That is my life. I love my kids, but something has to give. I’m irritable. I snap at the kids unfairly. I’ve missed a few deadlines at work and my boss is upset with me. I’ve taken to hiding from her whenever I can. I have no time to myself. My stomach is in knots. I’m gaining weight. I feel like screaming, but I’m afraid if I start I’ll never stop. I can’t take this much longer,” Rita told me.
“My youngest, Hunter, came to me with a deck of cards and asked me to play ‘Go Fish’ with him and I about took his head off,” Rita said as the tears started to flow. “I knew I had to do something, and fast, before I did lasting damage to my relationship with my kids.”
Rita was co-creating her life, but she was doing it unconsciously. Old belief patterns instilled in her primarily in early childhood were dominating her visual field. She was seeing only a narrow range of options which kept her making the same choices over and over again. This is why her life seemed to be stuck in this unfulfilling cycle of over-giving.
Our first order of business was to establish a conscious connection to LOVE, the ultimate energy source for all of us here on Planet Earth. We did this by working within Rita’s own belief structure so that she could connect in ways that felt comfortable and familiar for her. For Rita this came about through her church.
Rita faithfully took her family to church every Sunday, but when she was honest about it, Rita was just going through the motions. She was not connecting to God during the worship service. Unconsciously Rita was relating to God as a white-haired man on a throne in the sky who was constantly passing judgment on her, seeing all her weaknesses and faults, and condemning her.
Through our work together we untangled Rita’s ability to connect to God as unconditional LOVE from this old belief system with the image of God as a punishing and critical father. Rita’s human father HAD been punishing and critical. And as a child it was natural for Rita to confuse the behavior of her father with her experience of God.
Now, as an adult, Rita worked with me to be able to bring a conscious awareness into her faith and let go of the false beliefs about God. This first step dramatically changed Rita’s experience of Sunday morning worship. Now Sunday mornings are a time of refreshment and renewal for Rita. Instead of church being one more obligation on her “to-do” list, it is now a time she can count on during her week to provide her with spiritual sustenance.
Rita shifted her unconscious co-creation of her connection to a punishing God that reflected her experience of her human father to a conscious co-creation where Rita’s spiritual beliefs were allowed to provide her with a sense of forgiveness, acceptance and unconditional love.
This first step into conscious co-creation shifted one vital aspect of Rita’s life from an experience that was another obligation on her “to-do” list, to an experience of joy by transforming her relationship with LOVE’s presence. This is the power of conscious co-creation. There is no aspect of life where conscious co-creation cannot shift your experience.
This vital skill is the basis for the transformation of our world from a world of conflict and misery to a world where LOVE prevails. If you feel called to awaken begin by downloading our free checklist 5 Keys to Conscious Co-Creation.