Why Is Self-Love So Difficult?

Happiness is a by-product of self-love...
Happiness is a by-product of self-love…

I am reading a book called “The Art of Happiness” published in 1998 by His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Dr. Howard Cutler. As you might expect, it is a very enlightening read! Dr. Cutler was able to spend some time with the Dalai Lama and interview him extensively on the subject of happiness and other interesting mental health topics.

At one point in the book the Dalai Lama asked Dr. Cutler to explain self-hatred, a concept that was completely new to him. He told Dr. Cutler that practicing Buddhists focus on overcoming a self-centered attitude, which he felt was perhaps an expression of loving one’s self too much. The Dalai Lama said he found the notion of self-hatred “quite unbelievable.”

Dr. Cutler, a psychiatrist, explained that many of his patients suffer from self-hatred, and that it is common in our culture. He noted that since it appears that self-hatred is not inherent in other cultures, we can take heart that self-hatred is learned, and can be “unlearned.”

Your false beliefs imprison you...
Your false beliefs imprison you…

This is where the notion of “false beliefs” becomes so powerful. If we have beliefs about ourselves that are not true, then a recognition of the falseness of certain beliefs can set us free, and this freedom is transformative. When you allow your identity to shift from false definitions into the truth, self-love becomes a natural state of being.

One such false belief that many women harbor is “I am not lovable.” This false belief arises from many different kinds of childhood experiences even in the most loving environments. Children’s brains are not fully developed, and they spend their early years in a very open and receptive state. This openness facilitates learning, but it is not discriminant. This means that children incorporate a false belief such as “I am not lovable” without ever examining whether it is actually true or not.

I am unlovable....
I am unlovable….

It might happen like this. A child might disobey a parent. The parent might respond “You are a bad girl.” And this message sinks into the child’s neural programming structures in the brain, particularly when unpleasant consequences arise. These painful or unpleasant consequences escalate the learning to the survival level, “highlighting” it in the brain to enhance survival chances.

Once when I was four years old I got into a bag of marshmallows before lunch and ate a few of them. My father found out. He was furious, spanked me angrily, and told me what a bad girl I was. As I look back on this horrible memory as an adult I am amazed that such an innocent transgression has lived sixty years in my memory with such shame attached.  Far from an innocent transgression in my father’s mind, this was an act of rebellion, and a flaunting of the rules of this magnitude could not be tolerated. My taking the initiative to eat when I was hungry could not go without severe punishment.

This is only one example of daily shame-based communication that formed the essence of my relationship with my father. I know that his ultimate intentions were good, that he wanted the best for me, and that his parenting skills were limited, and dominated by the modeling from very punishing parents that raised him. I have worked hard to disrupt that neural conditioning, and move beyond the shame-filled identity instilled in me by my father. It left me with deep compassion for all those who have been abused.

False beliefs form a challenging barrier to experiencing self-love
False beliefs form a challenging barrier to experiencing self-love

But this kind of example helps us understand why self-love is so difficult. Our brains have actually been trained not to identify ourselves as lovable, and to therefore withhold self-love. Women raised during the 1950’s and 1960’s were raised during early conscious stirrings of the divine feminine in our Western culture. But for most of us, our mothers instructed us that women were meant to sacrifice their needs for the needs of husbands and children, that we were to think of ourselves last, and to do otherwise was selfish.

Many of us were raised to be people-pleasers, and to live in the resentment and frustration of doing for others with the often unfulfilled hope that they in turn would do something for us. It is not possible to live a life of unfulfilled desires and be happy. But it is equally untenable to expect others to meet our needs and desires when we don’t know what they are, and don’t ask for what we want, expecting husbands and children to “intuit” our needs the way we are able to “intuit” their needs and meet them without them having to ask.

We are here to actualize our dreams of LOVE...
We are here to actualize our dreams of LOVE…

I work with clients everyday who are engaged in recognizing the false beliefs that form an unconscious barrier to self-love, and to do the great and rewarding work of rewiring their brains through conscious choices based on a recognition of one’s true identity. We are not the roles we serve in: wife, mother, child, sister, employee, employer, etc. We are, rather, individuated expressions of the creative source of all life, here to explore our full potential, actualize our dreams and visions, and to live a life of LOVE.

We are all unique expressions of LOVE....
We are all unique expressions of LOVE….

When we understand and realize to the core of our being that we come from LOVE the possibility of being unlovable completely disappears. Knowing oneself as an individuated expression of LOVE redefines not only who we are, but how we feel about ourselves. It is not that our weaknesses and flaws disappear overnight, but the significance of areas of our lives where our true nature as LOVE has not fully appeared is no longer a cause for shame, but an area of eager anticipation for more growth and evolution.

Become a beacon of LOVE...
Become a beacon of LOVE…

Our focus shifts into being the LOVE we are, and fully expressing that LOVE through inspired action. Lives lived in these frequencies of light are fulfilled and joyful. The struggle disappears, and the journey from desire to its fulfillment is exciting and rewarding. The woven strands of light that we essentially are radiate out into the external world, and we become beacons to all we come into contact with, calling them into fuller expressions of LOVE by modeling that through the choices we make.

The 5 Keys to Conscious Co-Creation Checklist
The 5 Keys to Conscious Co-Creation Checklist

Our identity then becomes one of LOVE serving as a conscious co-creator with life. That is why I want to invite you to download my checklist The 5 Keys to Conscious Co-creation. This checklist enables you to assess your co-creation skills.

Key #1 is the ultimate stress reducer: eliminate exhaustion and overwhelm. You are meant to live a life of vitality and joy!

Key #2 makes change smooth and effortless. When you know that growth and evolution is part of your true nature you can embrace change and enjoy the journey!

Key #3 causes anxiety to dissolve in mere seconds, allowing you to rest in the peace that passes all understanding. There is a calm stillness in the center of your being. Learn to access it on demand!

Key #4 reconnects you to your passion for living. You are not meant to be lonely and/or unfulfilled!

Key #5 opens the door to the experience of beauty, and why you are desperate for it. Beauty is an expression of the fullness of your being. Be in touch with your beauty and find that it dissolves any negative self-image that may be a barrier to your enjoying your life freely and fully!

Use this link to access the checklist: http://bit.ly/25CDK3y

Finally access your feminine power!
Finally access your feminine power!

I also want to invite you to give yourself the gift of a complimentary Conscious Co-Creation Design session with me. In this session you will:

  1. Create a crystal clear vision of the life you long to co-create
  2. Uncover and identify the hidden challenges that may be slowing down your ability to co-create this life
  3. Leave our time together renewed, re-energized, and inspired to finally have and enjoy the life you have dreamed of and longed for all along!

Email me at kvtilburg@gmail.com to arrange your design session today. I look forward to working with you to access your new identity as a conscious co-creator with life!

 

 

 

Your Divine Identity

A world where LOVE prevails...
A world where LOVE prevails…

Many of us are working on embodying the light of our divine natures while having an experience of physical embodiment. It is a challenging and yet gratifying transition from seeing ourselves as “just a body” to seeing ourselves as beautiful woven strands of light expressing through the physical dimension as a body in partnership with Gaia.

Our bodies are Gaia's Ambassadors...
Our bodies are Gaia’s Ambassadors…

My understanding is that our bodies are Gaia’s ambassadors. They provide us with a vehicle for experiencing the world of form. Our vision, our hearing, our taste, our touch, our experience of smell, are all designed by consciousness to allow us to know the world of form. By forgetting ourselves as woven strands of light, and fully participating in the world of form we immersed ourselves deeply into the external world.

False beliefs are wired into our neuro-circuitry during our formative years....
False beliefs are wired into our neuro-circuitry during our formative years….

Our senses became our reality. We focused on the external world and allowed the external world to tell us who we are. We identified with our roles: child, teenager, adult, our work roles: boss, employee, wife, mother, and many more. We adventured through life experiencing unconscious beliefs that were adopted during our formative years.

Often these beliefs are expressions of lack:

  • I am not worthy.
  • I am not lovable.
  • I am not enough.
  • I am too much.
  • I am powerless, helpless, weak.
Adult elephants are hobbled by their belief learned in babyhood that they can't break through the chains that bind them....
Adult elephants are hobbled by their belief learned in babyhood that they can’t break through the chains that bind them….

And through the emotional experiences which followed from these false beliefs, these expressions of lack, we co-created lives full of lack and scarcity. We gave up our dreams. Similar to elephants who are chained to a steel post in the ground when they are young and become conditioned to limitation, we too are hobbled by these false beliefs into lives of limitation and often quiet desperation. Grown elephants are easily strong enough to pull the steel post out of the ground, and move about freely. But they don’t even try, having convinced themselves long ago that freedom was impossible for them. Like the elephants, we are imprisoned by our own beliefs.

But the time has come for us to reclaim the woven strands of light that are our true nature, to resurrect our dreams and visions, and move forward through the guidance of our inner knowing into the dawn of a new reality. A reality that reflects the truth of our divine nature: the wholeness, the abundance, the wealth that reflects the purity of the light we truly are.

Reclaim the woven strands of light that are your true nature....
Reclaim the woven strands of light that are your true nature….

It is the ultimate challenge to begin to identify yourself as the woven strands of light that are your true nature. To do so means to give up your allegiance to the false reflections of the external world which will continue to show you the materialization of false beliefs for some time as you practice and strengthen your ability to hold your identity is the light of your essence.

Take heart from our shared community, knowing that millions of us are engaged in this task, breaking through our limitations daily, reaching for the dreams that reflect the visions of heaven of earth we each came here to create.

Use your co-creative magic to realize your dreams and visions!
Use your co-creative magic to realize your dreams and visions!

You are co-creator with life. You can create from lack and limitation of outgrown limited beliefs, or you can reclaim your knowing of the light of your true nature. The choice is yours. Choose wisely!

If you recognize your journey in these words consider joining our free Awakening Women’s Community. When you join our free community you will receive a free checklist called 5 Keys to Conscious Co-Creation so that you can begin assess your co-creative abilities. http://bit.ly/1pmVWuC 

When you begin to say “yes” to life, to allow life to be exactly as it is, you open the door to  the ability to co-create your life. That is why I want to invite you to download my checklist The 5 Keys to Conscious Co-creation. This checklist enables you to assess your co-creation skills.

Key #1 is the ultimate stress reducer: eliminate exhaustion and overwhelm

Key #2 makes change smooth and effortless

Key #3 causes anxiety to dissolve in mere seconds, allowing you to rest in the peace that passes all understanding

Key #4 reconnects you to your passion for living

Key #5 opens the door to the experience of beauty, and why you are desperate for it

If you are inspired by this post, please share it on all your social networks! Your support is critical to the transformation occurring on our beautiful Earth!

 

Rhythms of Light

Nature teaches us about cycles of life...
Nature teaches us about cycles of life…

Nature teaches us to live our lives in rhythms: day and night, new moon to full moon and back to new moon, and the cycles of the seasons, spring, summer, fall, winter. Underlying all these rhythms is the constancy of change. As we move into the rhythms of life we allow change and find the harmony in the flow, rather than attempting to cling to what came before. We learn to exist in the present moment, allowing the beauty that always resides there to nurture and fulfill us.

We live in a chaotic disrupted world....
We live in a chaotic disrupted world….

Times are chaotic now. The energy of disruption is causing old structures that no longer meet the current standards of love and harmony to crumble away. We are all impacted by this disruption. Each of us is called into the review of our ways of being, invited to gently upgrade. When this call goes unheeded we can expect the energy of disruption to come along and provide support. We cannot take old structures into these new ways of being.

It’s practical to expect these cycles and rhythms to impact us, and knowing how to say “yes” to these new rhythms and cycles provides a way back into flow when we find that conscious or unconscious resistance to change has led us into a disruptive experience.  Fortunately our guide back into harmony is right there, right in front of our noses, literally! Our guides is our breath.

Our breath connects us to cycles in nature and opens the door to reconnecting with our essence...
Our breath connects us to cycles in nature and opens the door to reconnecting with our essence…

Our breath is Life’s promise to us that we are here for a reason, that our lives are intended by the creative source of all life. So when we find ourselves feeling disrupted, shaky, irritable, frustrated, angry…all the lower frequency emotions which creep into our experience when we have resisted some experience, the breath is right there to guide us back into a flow state.

When you feel disruption of any kind use it as a reminder to reconnect with the breath. Focus on noticing your chest rising and falling. When you check in with the breath notice if you are breathing high in your chest, or more deeply into the abdomen. See if you can allow a deeper breath without forcing yourself.

Heaven on Earth arises from an alignment with your essence...the truth of your being
Heaven on Earth arises from an alignment with your essence…the truth of your being

Often just the act of awareness, noticing the breath, allows it to gently deepen. You can take a deep conscious deliberate breath as well, which is a type of reset. Remind yourself that you are safe. Soothe and nurture yourself with your intention. Acknowledge any parts of yourself which are upset or imbalanced. Notice any conversations which may be going on in parts of yourself.

Look for inner conversations that are expressing lack, danger, scarcity, and look for the source of those conversations. Often a false belief is being expressed: “I am not enough. I am not worthy. I am not lovable. These beliefs were formed during our first seven years when our conscious mind was wide open and accepted any message sent to it. Caregivers unconsciously gave us these messages. As we become conscious we no longer need to be governed by them.

We arise from wholeness...
We arise from wholeness…

As you notice that one or more of these old beliefs have been triggered simply intervene with the truth. “I am always connected to the creative source of all life. I am loved because I am born of love, created with love, sustained by love. I am love. I am woven strands of light expressing in the world of form.” Use words of truth that resonate deeply with you.

Using your breath and these phrases of truth allow yourself to bask in their coherent warmth. Breathe and relax into the truth, allowing yourself to drift back into a harmonic rhythm. Then begin to ask yourself a question that leads to empowered action. Such a question might begin this way: “How can I….” or “I wonder how I can ….”

Being conscious of LOVE's eternal presence
Being conscious of LOVE’s eternal presence

In this warm and loving way you can bring yourself back into harmony and move ahead with your day in empowered and inspired action. This takes practice, but it is the path to conscious co-creation and the “heaven on earth” experience we all enjoy so much.

There are five keys to conscious co-creation. I discuss them in this handy checklist:

The 5 Keys to Conscious Co-Creation Checklist
The 5 Keys to Conscious Co-Creation Checklist

When you begin to say “yes” to life, to allow life to be exactly as it is, you open the door to  the ability to co-create your life. That is why I want to invite you to download my checklist The 5 Keys to Conscious Co-creation. This checklist enables you to assess your co-creation skills.

Key #1 is the ultimate stress reducer: eliminate exhaustion and overwhelm

Key #2 makes change smooth and effortless

Key #3 causes anxiety to dissolve in mere seconds, allowing you to rest in the peace that passes all understanding

Key #4 reconnects you to your passion for living

Key #5 opens the door to the experience of beauty, and why you are desperate for it

What are your experiences with handling experiences of disruption and moving back into harmony? Do you have a method that works well for you?

Please share in the comments below! I would love to hear about it!